Suburban Sickness.

Purging.

2008-08-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

"time goes by so fast in a blink of an eye so make sure you never close your eyes."

so here i sit a brisk night in August and all i can really do is think. I can't hear anything else but the keyboard and my brain burning thoughts and memories. It's too late to start a commotion and the world on the east side has been sleeping for hours.

i don't even know where to start the summer came went. everything changed; my friends and my Saturday nights. It's sad to say i don't really associate much with the same friends as i did four months ago, but your whole life is changing with every choice we make. i feel as if my life is a line grid. there are constants and highs and lows. i guess i hit the constant but i know it won't stay for long.

i saw Goldfinger, & Less Than Jake on the 26 in New York. i cried to LTJ play "Look What Happened it's a golden feeling when you hear a song that captures so many memories be played live in your face. you can't do anything but let the tears flows and sing along; as if no one is listening.

June 28 was my birthday and it blew. my best friends lied to me, and my "sister" let me down. it was then i noticed that im done with peoples bullshit im sick of these fake friends who tell me they love & miss me so much, but can't give me the time of day. i notice that im taken advantage of alot, and really respected as much as i thought. shame on me. i have a good eye for who is worth my time, but there are those who slip bye.

i loosing friends that don't matter and im losing some that mean the world. i guess im too apathetic to care. i miss Ricky a lot. im not sure what happened to us, but we are only held together by seams and they aren't even that dependent. i try so hard but he doesn't give me the time of day. all i have are amazing memories of an amazing person.

i stopped smoking pot, that's what helped me see people for what in common we have. there was a point that i had no friends, i had to start from step A. but it made me realize that all my friends do is smoke pot, and i don't want to be another helpless case.

721 kinderkamack.
where some of the best people reside. home is not where you live it's where people understand you. i spend some good people had great times made amazing memories. i don't want it to stop.

so much hap pend in such little time
not enough hap pend in such little time
i take it for what it's worth because this is living this is youth this is my life. i live it fast and i live it hard. i don't want it any other way. summer is my favorite season, but this one was so bittersweet. it still keeps to belive that change the season, change everything.

--Untitled--

2008-06-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

im going to say these words to make them
right cause we only have one more night.
tomorrow we leave with the skyline north and we will never looks back
we will live like a ghost and never leave any track.
the dreams of getting away are so close.
24 hours we have left to make it right so many laughs so many fights
its about who we were and we grew up to be
were young so it's time to show the world what were made of.
to break free of what holding us back gain strengths in what we lack.
ill board this plane and breath in my last breath of jersey air.
i can promise you im never comming back.

Nineteen.

2008-05-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

I felt you in my life before I even thought to.
Felt the need to lay down beside you
And tell you
I feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you
And now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
                     i was nineteen

One word

2008-04-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

MISERABLE.

Changing Of Times.

2008-04-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Summer.
hurry the fuck up yo.

Cause' Every Inch Of Me Is Bruised.

2008-04-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't feel like this.
This is wrong.
Why does it feel so right.
I can't look at you the same.
I like you, maybe im just like you?
I wish you would understand how much I love you.
Your the best i can never have.
It eats me away from the inside.
your a parasite with best intentions.
i try to keep healthy distance.
but your smile is contagious.
i just want to inhale you.

AWOL

2008-03-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

OUR.LOVE.WILL.NOT.DIE.
Please Let It Be Known.

30 Days Later..

2008-03-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

i could honestly say this is one of the craziest months i can remember. I had so many up's and down. i lost myself for a bit. so i had to recollect my other half. but now i am confused again.

i am in the process of losing my grandma. i guess you never notice how much you seriously love something till it's gone. just to wake up and hear that her heart is still beating makes me happy. i almost lost a close friends to drugs and alcohol. she almost lost herself. i been drinking too much && thinking to little. its been rough. there have been days i felt alive and there have been days i felt half past dead. some friendships grew, some fell, and others evolved.
what we did changes everything...

sometimes i wish i knew all the answers.
sometimes i wish i didn't know anything
sometimes i wish i didn't know how to love
sometimes i wish i didn't know how to hate.
but its the beauty in the curiosity, actions, thoughts && knowledge
that sparks the laughs and tears.
and that how you know your alive.

Mary Jane Vs Sally Anne.

2008-02-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

DID YOU KNOW...
Salvia Divinorum is legal in most parts of the world excluding Australia && 3 states in the U.S.
Marijuana is illegal is most parts of the U.S. except Amsterdam , California, && Oregon

2.11.08
Well, since i can not be subject to fun recreational drugs, I was able to get a hold of Salvia. I have heard many rumors and watch many videos on this subject. even did my research
[ you should always do that before you go doing crazy mind altering substances].
Let's start off by saying not cheap. 55 dollars for an gram. The psychedelic high last for about 2 minutes. You do not feel normal again for about a hour. Smells like fish food, taste like shit,

I can not recall what i felt or thought because my mind was going at a million miles per hour.
I had no control over my hands or minds. my mind was saying one thing while my hands were moving. there was no connection from brain to body. My body tempt rose and my eyes were so dilated the contract and brightness of everything was insane. I felt like i was intop of a pillar. balancing. it was fun for a bit then it kept getting intense. i started to think crazy shit. i felt like i was in a dream. but i could not wake up. My mind left my body. was not controlling anything. my mind was telling me that this was a dream as if trying to wake up from reality. i kept thinking i was going to wake up somewhere else. it never came. As the high became for tense i felt like i was in a book. and someone was turning the pages on my world Everything was starting to fade. i tried to keep up but i couldn't. My words were cutting off at the ends, i'm pretty sure i wasn't making sense anymore. everything was going slow. i became so angry. my mouth began to salivate. my legs couldn't were not mobilizing properly

I do not like a high [even a drunk ] at that i cannot control. If you can control yourself you feel a sense of comfort. Personally i didn't feel comfortable not only could i not control my movement or my speech but my mind thoughts or emotions. i didn't know how to do anything. After the psychedelically high the coming down period felt nice. but to go crazy for a minute to acquire tranquility is not worth it to me.

SO SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY MARIJUANA IS ILLEGAL?

it has so many benefital aspects to it. We have found that it help Glaucoma of the eyes, Appetite for HIV patients, && nausea for Cancer Patients. Also it is natural, non-toxic && even organic.
We can illegalize such a helpful Resource but keep legal such a powerful alternative [Salvia] Oh what corrupted government have we created. Shame on us.

Eat Lean / Stay Cean

2008-02-07T11:55:00.001-08:00

Well i'm dealing with my first shots of adulthood. Year of Period of Adjustment.
365 days to go....

I hope i don't fail. This is all comes down to my actions.. Then again thats why im in this position in the first place. Now let's see if i can save myself from myself. Your always your own worst enemy.

Party Monster.

2008-02-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

This past weekend has been insane. The one who i was with don't seem to mind. The ones i'm not with thinks its a problem. I feel like some think i'm this downward spiral to failure. I should be sleeping more. the bags under my eyes should be a dead give away. I'm sure my liver isn't so happy either, but in this moment i am happy. It's not going to stay forever, so why not enjoy it while it's here.

2.1.08
For the first time in a long time i have seen an old friend. Jennifer Adamski. We grew apart and, now i notice that we can NEVER be as close as we were. Regardless our friendship is still worth so much to me. This girl has my heart. It was her birthday and she has turned 18. i knew her since she was 13. && to think it all started over a town trip to Downey Park. I watched her grow up. We were both so young, but on the path of life we all take different routes. She made her choice for a few years to see this guy who destroyed her life. But she was able to put it back together. That's the one thing about her. her choices may be poor at times but for the most part she is on the ball && she knows when enough is enough.

2.2.08
Rugthers with Dez && Rob yet again. It was a surprise to see Yabbs coming with us. That kids funny. We found ourselves living those nights that never end. Personally, i had better parties there. Straight beer chuging frat house look. Not so much. Dominated beer pong. 5-1. Much more happened but let's keep it PG rated ;D. The party got crashed at 12:30. we made our way to this kid Jagger's house. down some shot and had a good time, then made our way back.
played a couple more games of beer pong and we made our way back to Ridgefield at 5:00.

Altered.

2008-02-01T14:11:00.000-08:00

Ah yes well i have come to terms that Photoshop is my knack. I really have found something i'm good at.I Guess i keep on finding things out about me everyday. Like im huge puzzle. Photoshop is the piece that just fits. It took me a while to be comfortable enough to admit it. Now a days if your good at something your cocky. Well so what if im cocky? I'm cocky and confident how about them apple bitch! Well i guess not just with photoshop but with computers in general. Heh and to think i wated to be a locksmith or a cop. But i guess now i want the men in the uniforms. That what sparked my interest. It All started with 10th grade Digital Photography. Don't ask me why but my teacher thought that we should also used Photoshop with Digital Photography but that was a pretty smart move. 3 years later I feel like i'm a photoshop Prodigy. I don't know why but i love to alter pictures of people. Never really places or objects. I feel like people are more interesting to manipulate in Photoshop then other thing i have experimented with. I have not started school yet. Just one to go task to finish then i;m golden. I'm so indecisive it boggles my mind how i make my choices. i should just close my eyes and move my finger around a list until i decide to stop. open them and see where i land. There are always so many things I want to do. Growing up i was really in to acting. Acted for a while. Plays and improv groups. Then i thought about Film. Went to S.V.A., [School Of Visual Arts] Didn't really enjoy that as much as i thought or maybe it was just the people in my class. Photography has also been a good talent of mine, but people are always telling me there is no future in such a subject. Unless i feel like taking pictures of Bar Mitzvahs && wedding for the rest of my life. any suggestions.?

72

2008-01-31T10:30:00.001-08:00

How could I've known that everything you say are lies about devotion and desire
I know the spark inside your eyes was just the match i used to set myself on fire.

1.28.08.
These past two days have been non stop movement. Got last minute tickets to make my way to see Bayside && Straylight Run. The show was simply amazing. I expected better from Straylight Run but hey,what can you do right. Bayside was simply amazing as usual. Played some old, played some new, && even played some acoustic. I was accompanied with the infamous Dez. While we were there we met up with Britt && Alex. Small world right?

1.29.08
Nothing like manual labor to put hair on your chest. Cleaned my room for 6 hours. It started from my desk to my computer area then i decided to renovate my closet. Took a break to helped Britt shop at Ikea. They have there own map in there. I almost got lost a few times. Go figure right? 7:30 came around and i just finished cleaning my room. i was ready to relax but oh was i fooled.
Gabby && I made our way to Brooklyn to help Atom move his drum set out of his studio. Piece by piece we took apart the drum set and took it down two flights. That wasn't the part that totally sucked. It was using the vacuum that could not pick up anything. It would not pick up debris, but rather spread it around and make a bigger mess. It took us an hour to pick up everything by broom. The broom worked better on a rug then the vacuum. That's sad. The studio was awesome. Just corridors of doors that led to studio set. The doors all had crazy designs on them to signify the room number.It was all that jazz && even more. They had a lounge where you could smoke pot and cigarettes. They even had a vending machine where you could purchase beer. What more could you ask for. Seriously. It had a scent of cigarettes and old beer.
We finished cleaning and left the studio by 1:00 and made it home by 2:00. We made our way to Gabby's house to put Atom's drum set in her basement which took yet another hour. I finally settled in my house at 3:00. Exhausted. But you have to love those nites that don't end till late. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Survivor.

2008-01-29T08:12:00.001-08:00

Last night i was lying in bed for at least an hour.
Thinking...
& personally I think that is the worst thing I can do. When I think I get way into thought about everything. I loose myself in my mind. Everything around me fades to black and i fall into a world all my own. As i laied in my bed and staired at the shadows from outside i thought about my life. How I love everything i have. How I miss everything i lost. I lost a few people along the way & misplaced a few personal prized possessions. But do toy remember when life was simple.
When all you knew was love and you were never bored. Dislike was never a feeling but more like something you saw on T.V. Growing up you learn who is worth your time & attention for a long period of time & who is worth it for that split second in life.

I was thinking about everything i have. The good, the bad and the ugly. I think about my life a lot to be honest. I cherish it. Life beautiful obstacle that i need to finish. I was never asked to be born and i wasn't asked tho live this life. If it was up to me i would be in Hollywood. But you need to make the best with what you have. I plan on leaving this world the same way i came in. Without a care.

I have pushed to live this life that i call my own. All i will say is that in one point in time was a 30% Survival Chance. I won't get into in unless you ask me but believe me it was not easy. So the words once spoken by some great man are true.
You don't know what you have till its gone.
I almost lost the one thing i had once chance to make right.
Life. The ablility to breath/feel/think/love/cry/
I have a voice just as much as you do and i need it to be heard. I may be young but I'm sure as hell not stupid. I have lived through heartache and broken bones. Death and rebirths. I have witnesses failures and accomplishes by myself and dearly loved others.

People cut me short. I feel like they never think i can give a helpful hand or im just stupid and i never know what i'm talking about. Those are the people I don't associate with. I may not be book smart but throw me on the streets and ill find my way home. Everyone makes a difference. Everyone has an opinion don't discourage because of your ignorance. Listen and understand because you are just like them. We are all on the same path to hell.

We all need to find redemption in the world so we can make it to the perily white gates or whatever you believe in. Some people find it sooner/faster/easier then other. But those are the people who never live. The people who Bleed Cry & sweat are the ones worth living for & the ones you want to see achieve there dreams the most.

IF YOU DONT HAVE DREAMS YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH.

One.

2008-01-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

Ah. well i gotta def give it to Mr. Erik Rhodes for introducing me to this splendid site. It's time for me to begin to express my thoughts/feeling/memories.

Lately i been feeling more dead then alive. Personally I blame it on the weather. I'm just not a winter wonderland kinda guy. I need summer I need the noises in my ears. I need more movement and laughter and longer days. I would love to see heat waves rise from the black concrete streets. The cold kills me. Physically and mentally. It hurts to breath and i hate when my body shakes uncontrollably from the 15 degree nights.

I try to keep myself occupied and motivated as much as possible. Its pretty tough but i have to admit I do a pretty damn good job. I been working on a movie. Personally it has good potential to be America's next hit. or at least in the gay community.

I'm not really big into the gay community. i find it steriotypical. Gay pride parade and Amanda Lepore and musicals are about as gay as i can go. I'm all one for gay rights and equality but i think it's harder to prove a point when your wearing short shorts and have a pink tang top on.

Funny about this subject actually. I was going to Rutgers for A party for my friend Dez birthday. I decided to drive with this girl who i really didn't know, but i felt bad because she was going all by herself. I have a soft heart. Anyway first time meeting her. Maryanne was her name and she was a lesbian. She wasn't pom pom cheerleader pretty girl but she wasn't plaid wearing Mohawk lesbian. She was average homosexual. I would say a lot like me. Not Noticeably gay but questionable. We had such a good talked. we talked about the similarities and differences of being lesbian Vs being gay.

The point that I'm trying to prove is that when you think of the gay community most people would think skinny white blond hair lisp speaking Barbara Streisand loving Addicted to Rent and America's Next Top Model gay. When in reality Gay men and women act differently and are more complex then that.

Well kids I would love to write for hours but I feel like there is something i should be doing.